Thursday, 17 September 2009

Postman Pat - An Inconvenient Truth



Postman Pat - a stalwart of children’s television since the early 80s. He’s trustworthy, respectable and a pillar of the quaint village of Greendale. Together with Jess his pet cat and his plain but reliable red van he provides a class A postal service and that’s how it was the last time I watched, maybe 10 years ago? Maybe even more.


Postman Pat – a delivery service emperor. Just what the fuck? Have you seen Postman Pat recently? I don’t know if he creamed off Greendale’s pension fund or married some old baroness then knocked her off for the dosh but DAMN, the man is now running a service that rivals FedEx!! He has expanded his vehicle base to include a post bus, a minivan, a motorcycle and a fucking Airwolf! All this AND his original van!!!!


Now of course the BBC fat cats will have you believe this is all above board but I’m more cynical in these time of recession. Pat is no longer to be trusted, if he has scammed his way to the top or if £90 million of licence payer’s money funds his delivery empire, something needs to be done before he’s found drowned next to his 200 foot yacht. I’m not convinced about Jess either, I think there’s some Botox involved there and perhaps some cocaine use.


People, I urge you, be vigilant.

Saturday, 12 September 2009

Lazy Saturdays



Saturdays have always been something special. Fridays are great but are still drenched in the stench of work, Sundays are just filled with dread at the oncoming storm of Monday but Saturday is freedom – pure and simple. Sometimes if hung over excessively you can lose a large chunk of this glorious day so I try to avoid getting alcohol poisoning more than once a month.


Following the lie in (well I used to get a lie in), Saturdays are all about the football, it takes up all of the morning and afternoon. Following your tragic team, laughing at rival’s tragic teams and of course screaming at all tragic teams connected to any footy bets you might have. Saturday evening is like a multi choice of fun, stay in watch a film? Go out and get wrecked with mates? Invite mates around to play games and get wrecked? You get the picture. There is a new addition to my Saturday now; the trip to mum’s with my little ‘un. OK, so the lie in has pretty much gone so I’m up anyway but that gives me the time I need to get up and out early doors. Get to mum’s anytime between 9 and 11am, sit through the usual cooing over the baby then hit the local shopping area to put on the footy bets.


Get home usually just as the 3pm kick offs are about to get started, make a cuppa and sit my arse down, watch the scores come in on the TV while listening to the mighty Sky Blues lose again on the radio – it don’t get any better than this.

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Alien vs. Predator



Both horrendous films, both absolutely and categorically raping the arse out of classic 80’s films that are corner stone’s in sci fi lore. It has been brought to my attention that some imbecilic people think that AVP is BETTER than AVPR. Let me be as clear as possible about this, they are wrong. AVP is one of the worst films ever; the bastardisation of the Alien/Predator franchise in this film is truly unforgivable. There are just too many FAILS to list but the one that sticks out the most is the whole ‘hmmmmmm predator cuts of alien’s head and tail, then gives them to token human female to use as a shield and spear’ no, just fucking NO, shut the fuck up and go home. Predator would decapitate said token human for being a twat. Just a quick addition, Predator in this film seems to me a 5 foot tall, 5 foot wide rugby player???? Predator should not be a fucking munchkin.


Enter AVPR, ALMOST as bad as AVP, redeemed ever so slightly by some half decent action scene (the Predalien however is ultimate fail). AVPR at least nearly thinks about trying to save some of the original concepts (but ultimately fails miserably).
Both films are gash, both fail by trying to panda to the kiddie audience now sought after by Hollywood like Gary Glitter at a school. When I first watched Alien/Aliens/Predator/Predator2 I was shockingly under aged, watching them at a mates house on some dodgy VHS copy and was fucking hooked by everything about them, now we are stuck with Hollywood AIDS infesting the industry selling the proud and true sci fi genre to fucking kids by diluting the things that made them great, most of all the story. BTW Predator is by far the better alien.


Fuck you Hollywood

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

The Morag *BE WARNED*



Prisoner Cell Block H, a television show with such brilliance it deserves an Oscar, a god damn OSCAR! The show’s awesomeness is matched only by the sheer fugly horror of its stars. I will at some point dedicate a blog entry to its genius; however that’s not why I’m posting today (although the link between to PCBH will become all too clear). The missus watches Home & Away, never misses a show. I on the other hand haven’t properly seen it for some years, sure I catch the odd glimpse of old Alf calling someone a big galaaar or Irene falling off the wagon, getting tanked off her tits then killing someone, but generally I have been out of touch since the days of pothole faced Sophie was kicking it up and having her underage womb rat.

Today it happened, a truly devastating event from which I shall never recover, if Roland Emmerich saw what I saw today, he would use it as his template for ALL disaster movies after it. I have seen my share of horrific munters, for god sake I’ve woken up next to a few but this is on another level. It’s ‘The Morag’, I have added ‘the’ because the beast deserves it. Much as ‘The Balrog’ from LotR is beastly from the depths of hell, The Morag is so beasting, time actually stops in her presence (or seems to as you try to chew out your own eyes).

There is nothing else to say, words seem meaningless when describing the horror, the death, the destruction, the corpse. If death had a face it would look like this.




Monday, 7 September 2009

XBLA mini review - Street Fighter II Hyper Fighting



I am a huge fan of the Street Fighter games and as such could hardly keep the cum in my balls when Hyper Fighting was announced on XBLA, although there was a slight nagging voice at the back of my head because in my opinion the Hyper Fighting game is probably one of the weakest incarnations of SF. To give you some idea how sad I am when it comes to SFII I set my alarm for 8am to DL the game as soon as it hit the marketplace, of course its 8am US time – not UK, what a cock!

So after my original idiocy I finally get it downloaded and fire it up. Well the title screen looks to be arcade perfect! Wow, what an age we live in where a next generation console can produce 90s graphics. Simple menu system, leave the single player till later and get straight down to vs multiplayer, oh how I was ready to dish out the pain! Of course I didn’t take into account the woefully inadequate netcode that makes this game unplayable online, do I really mean unplayable? Yes I mean 100% un ‘fucking’ playable - unless of course you have never played any SFII game before, are blind, or even worse HAVE played an SFII game before but were so bad you actually died from playing it. This game does not reproduce the single most important facet of all SFII games – Timing. In the SFII games movement and control combinations are paramount and absolutely must be instant. In SFIIHF on live if you play anyone even more than 4 doors away from you its over, moves don’t connect, combo’s are just impossible and get this – you can hardly block because by the time you are blocking the move has hit you because of lag. If you do play someone from your own region it is slightly better but you still und up playing like someone who has only been playing the games for a few weeks because combos still just don’t work. Of course the fetid stench of the casual gamer soon wafts along and you find yourself fighting E Honda, Chun Li, and M Bison over and over because they have the cheapest mores in the game and with lag in the equation are almost unstoppable. This game is one of the single worst games available, it has nothing to do with the SFII games as there is no true skill involved – it’s just button mashing for the masses and I hate it for that and truly hope the creators of the XBLA version of this game are destroyed in a tsunami.

The single player of this game is adequate at best; it’s and arcade perfect re-creation of the worst version of SFII. So if you are a button mashing cunt, buy this game immediately and fuck off. I hate this game with a passion, its fucking shit.

Sunday, 6 September 2009

Lazy Sundays



Work sucks, and for most it sucks even more. Those punch magnet, jobsworths with their ‘I love my job and make loads of money’ can fuck off. Sunday has always been (for me anyway) the calm before the storm, the cider before the hangover, the shag before the crab. This all stems from school, the Sunday bath, the evening tea, the ‘should I watch TV, play games, wank, or do that overdue homework’ dilemma. The homework would usually get done on the bus to school or just fucked off altogether.

20 odd years later and things haven’t changed. OK so the homework has been replaced with general despair at the thought of Monday morning work, the TV shows are fetid corpses of their former selves, and doing a quick wank has been replaced by doing the wife/girlfriend/tranny/wanksock (delete as applicable). It’s the gaming that has evolved the most, and Sunday gaming is a thing that keeps me chilled and relaxed in preparation for the horrors that a Monday in admin brings.

Today has been awash with such a mix of gaming it makes me wonder did I even get anywhere with any of them LOL. Fortunately I did. I have gotten well over half way through, well, Half Life 2. I sneaked in a couple of levels on Sacred 2 as well as snagging a couple of pimpin’ items for Mr Pink shirt himself ‘The Asta’. My gaming was interrupted briefly by the missus stealing away my precious time to play Luxor 2 – god only knows why, the games is GASHPAP. Finally after wrestling the pad from her I had a razz on Viva PiƱata: Trouble in Paradise (a game that still perplexes my head clean off). So all in all a good day of gaming which still could easily be added to with an online ganza with the RP boys.

My point is that on Sunday God (or whatever deity, if any, you should choose to believe in) supposedly rested and if he did? I’d bet he was playing fucking games, I know I was.

Cookin' MCs like a pound of bacon



So, while sitting here at 6am in the morning waiting for my son to lay a log before I settle him back to bed, I find myself trawling through the YouTube – what a site it is. In this age of torrents and almost limitless ways to acquire free music, it’s YouTube that has still got to be the number one choice for quick access to tunes. You’re watching a film, there’s a song you recognise and think ‘oooooh I’ll just pop on YouTube for a look’. You’re having an argument with your 80’s chick missus about just how mullet Limahl’s mullet was – did it trump Pat Sharp’s? You look on YouTube, and of course should you need a link to the mighty Vman’s Ice Ice Baby for a forum, you go to YouTube.

Now that the most ineffective ban in the history of the internet has been lifted from the UK version of YouTube (I mean come on, although the official music vids were blocked, for every one official banned, there would be 6572345426 fan hacks) the might of drunken YouTube watching is back. Who hasn’t got to that stage, usually between 1 and 3am (maybe after being out on the razzle or just battering the Strongbow with mates around), where you just need to reminisce drunkenly with songs you used to be out on the town to? Of course even before (or after) that you’ll then hit the ads and TV show intros from your youth – Streethawk, Airwolf, Knightrider, A-Team, an endless stream of nostalgia seen through firmly rose tinted (alcohol induced) goggles. Then you hit the cartoons, Transformers, Ulysses, MASK, Centurions, Denver the Last Dinosaur (fucking ROCKING intro) to name but a few.

On your todd or with mates, the YouTube nostalgia trip is one of the greatest allowances the intraweborz gives us, I salute you fucking nerdos (albeit it rich no doubt) who gave us the mighty YouTube. I’m off to bed, after one more listen to Ice Ice Baby, wait, no, Ninja Rap, no, wait.........

Saturday, 5 September 2009

XBLA mini review - Geometry Wars



I don’t like shoot ‘em up games, I was never a fan of the Asteroids game; I’m not big into high scores and hate the secret geometry wars game in PGR2. So I think you can see where this review is heading, Geometry Wars Evolved on XBLA is one of the finest games available and for me probably the best shmup game I have ever played. Hang on, that can’t possibly be right can it? Yes it is right, I Love this game. GW is a fast paced, good to look game which when you get down to the bare bones is just a very simple core game. There are very few classes of enemy, a small enclosed gaming area that doesn’t change, 3 classes of weapon and a smart bomb – that’s it. So what’s the hook? I’m damned if I know! All I know is that you pick up the pad and play the game, then again, and again, and before you know it you’ve played it for a few hours and are obsessed with beating your last score. It has a ‘one more play’ feel that is unrivalled. The game is an old skool, arse to the wall, death fest which will make your eyes (and soul) bleed, with graphics that are vibrant and alive.

The game play is balls hard with big jumps in difficulty after reaching various scores and a multiplier score system which will have you pulling your hair out when you lose a life. It’s one of those ‘zone’ games, you get in the zone and away you go, I have to point out here it does take tenacity to start getting past the 200,000 mark at every attempt. The enemy waves are random and can cruel or kind – what makes it a complete bitch of a game is the fact you need the really hard waves of baddies to punch up your score. The achievements are tough as well but still not so tough as to put you off going for them and surely that’s the key to a good achievement system.

This is a great little shooter and if you get a few of your mates on live with it you’ll be trying to piss up each others scores in no time and at 400 points it’s a steal.

Never smile at a Crocodile



Well, the name says it all really. Being a new dad I have found there is almost a limitless supply of alleged nursery rhymes. Mrs Koopa (working in a school for 15 years) knows all word for word even the obscure ones. For our little lad we have 5 CDs of these and I have heard of maybe.........20%, if that. So while settling the wee man, you have to listen to these, and one that caught my attention was ‘never smile at a crocodile’. Now I know all the jive about ring ‘o’ roses being about AIDS and a lot of dark beginnings for what are now considered children’s songs but come on, never smile at a crocodile? Is that a real Ray Mears piece of advice or is it being racist towards David Ickes reptilian brethren? I mean, personally should I happen upon a large, man eating looking, killer croc I’d be running the fuck up a tree or at least into some sort of armoured box, NOT looking to smile at that Godzilla lookin’ mother fucker. On the flip side, do crocs kill out of a feeling of persecution having ‘never been smiled’ at? I ask you, is that not a Jeremy Kyle episode just waiting to happen? The title could be ‘I smiled at a crocodile and now I’m pregnant without a face’. I’m not convinced about these nursery rhymes at all; tomorrow’s post could be about ‘she’ll be coming around the mountain’ a sombre tail of the final, pink pyjama wearing, years of Barbara Cartland?

Friday, 4 September 2009

Get to da chopper!




It would seem the genius of Arnold Schwarzenegger films has finally being realised, albeit by substandard channels. The likes of ITV2 & 4, Fiver, the sci fi channel and even a few of the main stream Sky movie channels are showing Arnie films in all their glory (and gory). Following last week’s greatest film ever ‘Commando’ last night’s offering was the phenomenal Total Recall (yes, yes I know it’s based on some dead writer ‘Dicks’ work but who gives fuck – 3 tittied aliens piss all over electric sheep). Did it look dated? Not in the slightest (sort of) and if it did? Who cares, the film fucking rocks the socks and is deffo one of Arnie’s greatest films up there with Predator and the 2 Terminators.


Thinking back there are some truly magnificent action/sci fi films and not just the A list ones, the likes of Tremors is just jam packed full of win, with a side order of win. We must not forget the low budget horror stuff too, the C.H.U.D, the Brain Damage, the Food of the Gods, The Evil Dead etc. Sure, Sci Fi channel packs out a staggering amount of Z list slurry and that is worthy of a post of its own but it still isn’t quite as good as the 80’s stuff.
I salute the lower TV channels, I have been remise in my 80’s early 90’s film watching over the past few years but they have rekindled the love. I now have a ‘to watch’ DVD pile next to my TV and the gems in there are:


Commando as I only watched it in bits the other week
Robocop 1 &2
Terminator 1 & 2
Predator and maybe 2
Tremors
Aliens and maybe Alien 3

I advise you all to go out and buy/watch at least one classic actioner film and get that old skool groove back. Above all else remember..........GET TO DA CHOPPA!!!!!!!

Thursday, 3 September 2009

Prey - xbox 360 review

Right, please understand BEFORE reading on that I couldn't give a monkey's nut sack about spelling or grammar (clearly). So don't bitch about horrendous Engrish just read the fucking review and enjoy!

When you buy this game it’s a definite stopgap between big releases, well it was for me anyway. I had little or no knowledge about it; just that it was an 18-certificate FPS game, which usually means big guns, big death, big fun – well let me assure you it delivers all in mammoth quantity. I paid 12.50 euros for the game but now you can get it as cheap as 6 euros pre-owned in game stores and I cannot stress what a bargain it is. Usually with a low key, bog standard FPS game you end up with a pick up and play ‘10 minute’ game. I obviously don’t mean literally 10 minutes but one of those games you might spend an afternoon on or, play when you are having a beer with your mates around or, you might occasionally go back to if you have absolutely nothing else on your play list, but Prey breaks this mould.

The ‘yes anyone can research shit on the web’ bit – Looks like an ex-ID (Doom, Quake) bloke worked on this (Tom Hall?) and the game was on and off more than Madonna’s knickers – the game has also had more names than prince. The game engine is based on ID’s Tech 4 (apparently)

The info bit – So you play Domasi or ‘Tommy’ for those not fluent in ancient Cherokee. A former US army type bloke who is disillusioned with, well everything! His granddad - who harps on about the ancient heritage that he feels Tommy should embrace, His girlfriend - who works in a bar and feels their place is there with family on the reservation. Tommy wants out and is pretty miffed with the lot of them. So, are we heading for another dysfunctional family episode of Oprah with the family trying to resolve long running issues? Is Doctor Phil going to help out with his pearls of wisdom? Of course not – an alien invasion fleet is going to scoop up the bar, half the reservation and a whole heap of trouble. No seriously – that’s about it, hardly Shakespeare but then again, who would play ‘Macbeth – the FPS’? Anyway basically you can see where it’s heading – you control Tommy, your family is probably being anally probed by aliens, your girlfriend hasn’t even let YOU anally probe her (your granddad may have but that’s for the prequel) and you seem to have misplaced your lucky eagle feather. Basically you’re mad, alone, and surrounded by crazy ass aliens trying to kill you and its hammer time. Don’t be fooled that the 18 certificates ensures only gore – there are some pretty adult plot twists with a classy sci-fi feel.

The graphics in this game are surprising from the outset, very clear, large, and concise backdrops, play areas, and characters. Many FPS games suffer from repetitive graphic elements but Prey provides very separate gaming levels, with vastly differing ways of looking at these levels that I will explain later in the game play bit. The weapons are also works of art, of course you start with the usually grubby ‘bludgeon an alien’s face off’ weapon but later on some of the alien weapons are both stunning and cleverly thought out. I would describe the graphics as well above average; in fact they are very good, and without any slowdown (that I noticed). If I had any slight issues with the graphics it would be that in some levels the lighting is very dark. I know this is to add ‘atmosphere’ but it can get more of an annoyance than anything else, but Prey isn’t the first and most certainly wont be the last game to have this problem – sometimes you just don’t want to fumble along blindly – as a lot of girlfriends will attest to. The ‘spirit walk’ graphics look a bit naff – but this is in my opinion though, and some people may well like the eerie ghost looking graphics – technically they are as well done as the rest of the game. I’ll pop a bit about the sound in here too, I don’t feel the need to waffle on about a game’s sounds – they are very clear, eerie at times with pleasantly ear shattering weapon effects, what else can you say? Oh Tommy does whine on a bit.

The weapons in this game are definitely worth a mention. Prey is by no means the first game to allow the player to use alien weapons of course but the creators put serious effort into distinguishing Prey’s weapons a little bit special. All the alien weapons have an extremely viscous feel, even to the point of Tommy commenting on them being ‘gross’ or ‘urgh’. Each weapon also has 2 modes of fire – once again hardly original but the Prey boys have put enough time and effort into them to give each of them a unique feel.

The standard rifle for instance, fires what appear to be rods of molten rock/metal and the secondary fire is a scope for this weapon, being Prey this is no ordinary scope – it’s a weird tentacle thing that comes out of the gun and sucks into you eyeball! The grenades AREN’T grenades at all but small 3 legged, green glowing, bug things - rip off a leg and throw at an enemy! Failing that use the secondary use, flip it upside down, rip off a leg and throw it on something – it’ll stick like glue and act as a mine, anything wanders along and BOOM! The beauty of this weapon is the animation of the bug, you see him scurrying about genuinely annoyed that you’ve ripped his leg off (sucks to be him). Now the leech gun is a very innovative weapon, it’s a charged energy gun which fires different beams dependant on the sort of energy you’ve charged it on. It’s not as complex as it sounds, there are charge points dotted about the ship and the secondary function for this weapon ‘sucks’ the energy from these machines. There is electrical, ice, fire, and solar, the first three are effective against differing enemies however the solar beam is awesome and pretty much annihilates everything in seconds. All of the energy beams look good but it’s the solar beam that steals the show, when in use it pushes the player back with force. The weapon that would equate to the chain gun in other FPS games is a large alien looking gun with a big fat scorpion looking tail. Primary for this is your standard rapid-fire gun but the secondary fire launches a flaming grenade bomb out of the tail bit, total madness I tell you. Another Prey original is the acid gun – it does what it says on the tin, firing a luminous green corrosive that is very deadly against, well…..everything, and clicking the secondary fires a whole canister of the stuff, very effective in close spaces. Finally, the stalwart weapon of the FPS – the rocket launcher, and yes it does launch rockets, or should I say alien bugs. Once again you see the aforementioned 3 legged critters, this time pulsating in a translucent pouch inside the gun, it really does look creepy until you pull the trigger and decimate everything in the room (including yourself at close range). Finally the creators have even added a shield element to the rocket launcher as the secondary use release a cloud of biological vapour which acts as a shield, the graphics of this are particular spectacular when an enemies bullets hit it. The weapons are a big selling point in this game, looking like contorted biomechanical monstrosities, which ooze gelatinous liquid and have pulsating tubes and switches.

The game is (mostly) set on the alien ship that as I’ve said is split into clearly differing levels, each with its own look. The other platform for play is a sort of astral plane where Tommy has the ability to spirit walk – another nifty idea which adds puzzle elements to the game, yes that’s right puzzle elements in a bog standard FPS. Tommy also reverts to this astral plane area when killed in a sort of mini game to recover a partial amount of his energy by killing these spirit bat looking things with his ‘magic bow’ – its does sound a lot cheesier than it actually is. There are some truly excellent ideas in Prey; the two, which perhaps make it stand out, are the gravity panels and portal windows. Throughout much of the alien ship are glowing strips that usually lead from the floor, up a wall, and onto a ceiling – these are strips, when you walk on these you can walk up the wall and onto the ceiling. This can be disorienting but when you get the hang of it these areas add a whole new level to the game whether it be to secret areas or a tricky part of the game where to progress you need to give it a bit of thought. Other puzzles may include control pads scattered about in a room, when activated, they change the direction of the gravity in that room which again leads to some clever thinking needed to progress. The other neat addition to this game is the portal system, a sort of 2 way mirror deal but exceptionally well put together design. You may look at what is a plain crate but if you look from the other side it actually leads into a separate room or corridor etc. Again this adds to some interestingly cryptic passages of gameplay including a particularly impressive ‘hall of mirrors’ room. Obviously its hard to describe perfectly these sections but they are impressive non the less. There is one other important section of the game and that’s the ability to spirit walk – an out of body experience if you will, where you can access areas behind impasses allowing access to otherwise inaccessible areas. I can’t say I like the system of continuation after you die, there isn’t any real consequence – in truth it’s a simple mini game and then return to where you died making this a simple grinder if you just want to rush through it. Finally perhaps the lowest point of the game are the few sections where you control a sort of space craft, the controls for this are truly woeful and are in truth the only part of the game that could kill it dead for some players. I’d still say try and force your way through these sections and enjoy the rest of the game – hey, it might even be just me and I’m just crap at flying.

One other small touch in Prey is the sub games available at the bar in the beginning and a couple around the alien ship. There are 4 in total, poker, blackjack (or 21), and slots as well as a Pacman clone. All play as useable arcade machines, now I enjoy this sort of thing and it did add to the game, it might even lead to some achievements but I’ll let you figure that out. It’s also a good laugh flicking through the jukebox in the bar – all the bands are fake but I think the songs might be actual known bands – unfortunately I’m no gothrockmetal head so I wouldn’t know.

There is a multiplayer for Prey and I have had a quick go but for me the game is all about the single player. There are still (a few) people playing this online so it might be worth checking out if that’s your sort of thing.

As an FPS game, I can’t say Prey is up there with the absolute best and neither can I say it sets any new standards. What it does do is take an overused (and some might say tired) format and brushes it up with a good solid engine and graphics, plus some really unique ideas and gameplay. I have completed this game and found it a very satisfying endeavour indeed – albeit it easy do to, with what in my opinion is a floored immortality system.

If I were forced to compare Prey to another game I really couldn’t compare it to one – having said that I will say that it has a feel of Doom 3, Half Life and Quake all rolled into one without being similar to any of them. Personally I am an FPS genre fan and as such perhaps found this game better than some might but at the price you can pick it up at I would advise anyone to give it a try.

Titch in techno gubbins shocker!

Well thanks to the mighty Titch, progress has been made! I've managed to link the retropassion forum to my blog. This might seem like a small thing but for me it's a techno fucking WIN! This might just keep me interested in this blog shit for a bit longer. A cup of tea to celebrate this moment me thinks.

My new, new blog


As opposed to my OLD new blog which I didn't keep up with and sort of forgot the password and pretty much blanked. Don't e put of by this because of course this time will be different for at least a day or two - maybe more LOL


I'm sort of fucking around with the techno gubbins at the moment so bear with me as I rage at the fact I can't seem to get a picture on my title bit. I do not like techno gubbins and could well smash a claw hammer through my PC.